Hate.

I remember my first placement like it was yesterday…

It’s freezing. I’m only wearing gym shorts and a sweatshirt. The police officer who made me leave my house is talking to a lady named Gloria. I hate him. He literally grabbed me and dragged me out of my house and away from my mom and brother. I’m scared and tired and have no idea what’s going on. He tells me I’m staying with Ms. Gloria until they can find me another place…”emergency foster care” he says. Who the hell is he to tell me where I’m going?

“Get your f*cking hands off of me. I was fine where I was.”

He tells me I will be safe here. I can’t take it anymore. My head feels like it is going to explode. I start screaming. Maybe someone will come and stop this.

“Take me home right now!”

“My mom and her boyfriend are going to come find me, and you don’t wanna mess with them!”

I remember that I started throwing things. Anything that I could get my hands on. I’m kicking the furniture. I run to the door. That cop grabs me and doesn’t let go. I kick him as hard as I can.

I’m still screaming.

“I hate all of you!”

He sits me down in the chair and holds me down. He tells me I can’t go anywhere else and that my family isn’t allowed to come find me. He tells me I won’t be seeing them for a long time.

The cop is leaving now. Ms. Gloria grabs me a blanket and puts a bologna and cheese sandwich in front of me. It looks gross. I feel like crying but don’t want to show them my tears. So I squeeze hard and hold them back. I am so confused. I can’t move. I hate this place. I hate that cop. I hate Ms. Gloria.

I hate my life.